Diversity and Friendship

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I believe those who walk away because of differences or conflicts were probably never friends in the first place.

Never sacrifice who you are, who you have become for a friendship. However, true friendship will never ask you to make that choice. True friendship will never be based on conditions that we have to agree or else. The minute this condition is spelled out and made clear to everyone, you need to evaluate what you call friendship. It might be a friendship of convenience.

Friendship can be tricky in the face of conflict, disagreement, misunderstanding, especially when dealing with those we consider true friends. The tendency is we may choose to walk away. Walking away may be necessary to cool off from the heat of the moment, but whether we come back or not is determined by the depth of our friendship. Are we at a level where we can rise above our difference, value the difference, and still be friends? 

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We are not expected to be uniform in thought and opinion, be they political or religious or any other. Our diversity should help us appreciate and embrace each other. This is a high level of maturity. Unity doesn’t necessarily mean uniformity. Many of us find it hard to work with people who are different from us. I like the saying, “if two people have the same opinion on every matter, the other person is irrelevant.” Unfortunately, we always want people who cheer us and follow us blindly; those who don’t tell us the other side of the story. So we live our life on a single story which is driven by us. This is a dangerous life. I know of some people who are very good at appreciating other opinions that don't go in line with theirs. These people have the capacity to overcome most challenges because they can learn from others.

Sometime last year, I met a friend who told me a story of how they were thinking of coming together to do a joint project that all of them agreed on was for the good of young people in leadership. This was a promising program with great potential to do a lot. As they continued to meet and discuss the idea, differences arose, mainly driven by interests. These differences were so much that they couldn't move forward. The continuity of the project was hanging on a balance because this friend and his colleagues couldn’t deal with their difference. As a result, one of them had to walk away. Unfortunately, their friendship was greatly affected by this move. To date, they seem to be still not able to talk as friends.

In a desire to appreciate the difference, we should also not be too naïve to accommodate everything that we don’t agree with. We have had friends that we realize that being committed to them is not going to add value to whatever path we find ourselves in. As much as we like them, but our paths are not the same. In such a case, no one will blame you for walking away. But if you are all on the same path, don't jeopardize the whole path because of the differences you might experience in the journey.

In Africa Youth Leadership Forum, AYLF, one of our focus is Friendship as one of our conversation themes and also a value we push. Not just mere accidental friendship but an intentional friendship. We like to use the phrase, a Family of Friends when we refer to what we are working on. We believe that if we get to a point where we are intentional and genuinely have love among us, then we can rise above some of the challenges that in most cases, drive the differences between us. Some of these differences are tribal, religion, regional, class, gender, etc. If we can overcome these differences, we can together work in building each other and fight for the highest possible good in the lives on each other and those we lead.

Is there a friendship you walked away from on the basis of a difference that you could have intentionally dealt with? How are you in handling different opinions from yours?

If this resonates with you, go ahead to evaluate your friendship. Then look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with. Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It's about building a community of friends to share each other's journey being true friends.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create support, encouragement, and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be as small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you.

WHO (Willingness, Humility and Obedience)

https://www.uni-koblenz-landau.de/en/university/organization/administration/service-and-information

I believe willingness, humility, and obedience is critical for a heart to Service.

Any act that is done without willingness, humility, and obedience, is not Service but performance, a routine action, a show-off, another box ticked.

Willingness is a decision we have to make. Doing something unwillingly though sometimes that is always the case may not give us much joy and satisfaction. But if we can find a way to do something willingly, we find joy, happiness, and meaning that is beyond this world's comprehension.

Service offered in humility is true Service. Anything done contrary to this hurts the recipient as much as it doesn't in any way benefit the performer of the act. Humility is in most cases misunderstood and taken for granted. It doesn't mean someone is a doormat; it means valuing others around you. It means not seeing yourself as more important than those around you. A humble person is one who is more interested in others than in themselves. She/he isn't more about their ego. Someone who is about the greater good rather than their own needs. Someone who recognizes that which is true, God is God, and I am not God, and that's who I am, and if he gave me a skill, he gave me a skill if he didn't, he didn't. Humility isn't thinking less about yourself but is thinking about yourself less — not a lack of self-confidence.

Obedience is key. We all have the freedom to obey or disobey. We are told that's it's more beneficial to obey than to sacrifice. Some of us might look like we are obeying, but genuinely we are not. We are simply complying. Maybe our environment doesn't encourage the spirit of obedience. A worst-case scenario for this is disobedience; rebellion. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Some of us are generally rebellious in everything. I personally have tendencies of rebellion. It’s however important to note that we don’t have to say YES to everything and anything that is brought our way. God has given us a mind, and we have been wisely blessed so that we can know that which is to be obeyed and maybe not obeyed. The question is how many times do you always disobey something simply because you don't like the person saying it, or the way it's said, or you have your own, or you don't see how you benefit from it. What makes you justify your disobedience in some cases? You might be wondering then what is the meaning of obedience. Well, the basic dictionary definition I just googled is compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority. But I believe it goes deeper than that, to be engaged and fully be part of something that you have agreed with others or God has revealed to you that you need to do. Something that has been clearly defined as a way of life and that needs to be done for the highest possible good of those around you.

We are called to serve each other, whether at home; family, teams you are engaged within something, organization or community. As a husband and a father, I need to serve my wife and my two boys. The only way to really find this life meaningful is if you offer yourself to serve others. No matter what level of engagement. This could be through doing something for others, speaking on behalf of others, standing in the gap for others, representing others in spaces where they probably are not able to, etc. Service to mankind in whatever form is Service to God. Any service I willingly offer in humility and obedience to my wife and sons is to God. You can't claim to serve God if you are not serving those around you, humanity. As much as we all want to be served and fill nice when someone serves us, we ought to serve willingly, with great humility and in obedience.

In Africa Youth Leadership Forum, AYLF, we are committed to raising up people who will serve others in different spheres of influence. Our work with young leaders is to help them realize that they ought to give up themselves in service for others. Serve the least of these in their communities. This is what we mean when we say we are nurturing a new breed of leaders; a new breed of people who commit to truly serve those around them. Serve with willingness, humility and in obedience.

If this resonates with you, seek to genuinely serve. Look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with. Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It's about building a community of friends to share each other's journey of serving those around you willingly, in humility and obedience.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create a support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be as small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you.

Image Credits: http://www.wca-sa.org

 by Gabriel Achayo.

Parachute Mind

https://emilywrenblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/a-mind-is-like-a-parachute-it-doesnt-work-if-it-isnt-open-frank-zappa/

I believe the mind is like a parachute; it works better when it's open.

Our mind is a crucial part of our being. We hear of statements of people losing their minds and being unreasonable. We are called upon not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. The mind that doesn't get renewedor sharpened will remain dull and unhelpful. A closed up mind can't be renewed. You only renew the mind if it's able to unlearn and learn. A closed up mind is like a pond with no outlet or inlet. It smells, and you start experiencing the negativity that it has. The kind of a mind that thinks it knows all and no one can influence it.On the other hand, an open mind is influenceable. A mind that is influenceable is the one that can influence. An open mind is the one that can add value to the bearer and those who interact with it.

I believe the secret to success and happiness in this life is to have an open mind. An open mind to receive and interact with new ideas, to interact with people without being judgmental. We lose out a lot if we operate from the point of being too rigid, closed in our thinking, my way or the highway kind of thinking and always thinking that you are the smartest guy in the room and that no one can say anything. I have come to appreciate that a mind that is like a sponge, ready to take in and also to give as much as it can, stays healthy, clean and fresh. A mind that remains open to all possibilities can fly high and go places.

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/239892

I have encountered people who are so rigid, who are hung up on their way of thinking and give no room for any other thought. Unfortunately, some of these have been people very close to me, and their actions have affected me in ways that I find very unfortunate. Mostly what I have found is due to someone’s ego, they are not willing to be responsive and to let others speak into their lives or listen to others around them. You find someone working so hard to justify their point or defend themselves or rubbish others. An open mind is secure, confident and humble. It's a mind that is free, that is healthy. Unfortunately, most of us find ourselves dragged into moments of insecurities, arrogance, and pride that make us not want to give room to others to influence the perception or the way we think about issues. We would rather die than admit that we are wrong and need to listen to another opinion. It even becomes harder if this opinion is coming from someone we consider to be lesser than us, whatever the case.

www.giantworldwide.com

My extended family is currently going through trouble in what I might say is due to closed mindsets. The two main people who could make things better have refused to be influenced in any way. Everyone has their stand, and they are holding on to it no matter what. I believe in knowing what you want and being stubborn to pursue it, but if it’s at the expense of others who your actions affect negatively, then you need to reevaluateyour stand. If it’s making those you claim to be doing it for suffer, to what end then? Especially if it involves a child who is entirely depended on you. This doesn’t mean you become a doormat; it just means you become the bigger person and wisely act in the long-term best interest of those around you. This is easier said than done, but when you choose to examine your actions and your thoughts, you will in most cases know what you ought to do however tough that might be for you.

Are you open-minded? Are you secure, confident and humble? Are you free, healthy and fresh in your mind? Are you responsive or resistant?

If this resonates with you, examine yourself on whether you are mostly open minded or too stubborn on issues that affect you and others. Look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with. Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It’s about building a community of friends to share each other’s journey of interrogating whether you are responsive or resistant.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be as small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you.

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By Gabriel Achayo