Men Vs. Women

 

 Image Credits: Men Vs. Women

This is a contentious topic, and I am not sure even where to start giving my opinion on it. First, I believe all men and women are human beings worthy of respect and honor. Women, as well as men, are specially endowed with unique abilities to thrive in their fields of interests. Occasionally I get into a conversation about what men can do women can do better. While this has some truth to it, it's not entirely accurate and should not, in any case, be used to make either gender look disadvantaged.

I acknowledge that we come from a place where women have been disadvantaged, treated unfairly and to a greater extent abused. It’s needless to say that men have equally faced their share of challenges. I would also like to state that as much as there should be no clear mandatory roles for men and women but as nature has it, there are things that women and only women enjoy and find pleasure in doing while there are things that men equally will be affirmed and validated if they are engaged in such. So the battle between the sexes is a misleading battle that is meant to attack the fabric of what our society is. To attack the harmony that will only be realized if there is cooperation between the genders in making the society a better place.

When you have women fighting to be like men and perform what men can do, am tempted to ask, who will do those duties that naturally they are wired to do. Who will do them? In turn, you find a confusion because 50% of the population is trying to be like the other 50% and hence an imbalanced society. A confused society where we can’t realize value from each other’s contribution.

Image Credits: Men Vs. Women

It's obvious that if you have a group of 3yr olds; boys and girls, observe how they behave and play their games, you will see a clear difference. This speaks into how different they are. And so trying to make them like the other is shooting ourselves on foot. Is deciding to make your right hand do what your left hand is meant to do. We need both the hands to bring in their best unique, valuable contribution to make the task fun, rewarding and productive. Granted, women are wired differently from us. And I dare say; women are more conscious of the fact that they are growing old every day that passes on compared to men. Men would like to imagine they are young forever. That's why women think more about what the future has, what are we doing now to secure a better future. Men, on the other hand, find joy in the fact that they can do something to impress the woman. So, is it not evident that we are better together. Not against each other or making the other feel useless.

After being married for close to 8 years now and God blessing us with two amazing boys. I have come to appreciate how best we can bring value to each other. My wife is not trying to be me and me not trying to be my wife, but with a clear understanding that we are all in this to make each other win. We are all striving for 100X marriage, not 100+. We are both fighting for the highest possible good of each other. A fantastic part of us being together has been the synergy we experience when it comes to serving God in the way he has given us the opportunity to. I clearly wouldn't be where I am if not for my wife. I keep telling her that a lot of people are committed to AYLF because of her. If it were not for her, some people wouldn’t have found value in AYLF. Am not just saying this to be politically (marriagically) correct, but you could ask a lot of AYLF ladies about this, and I would like to know their answers. Clearly, there is something unique that only my wife can do, I can't even try to replicate her, even if you took me to seminars, or workshops to learn it. It’s wired in her. I believe there are also things in AYLF that am good at and I can do them well. This makes us win in AYLF.

I don’t know about you but instead of wasting time looking for ways of outsmarting the opposite gender, I’d rather we spend our time in understanding what contribution can we bring to complement each other and focus on bringing that. This calls for being a secure person.

Image Credit: Men Vs. Women

This is a conversation worth advancing so we don't lose out our society in the name of achieving an elusive idea of being like the other. It's unfortunate that most people who push these gender conversations are people who are either struggling with failed marriages, are divorced or are single; not yet married. A better understanding of the roles of men and women is clearly understood in the context of a working marriage. A marriage between two adults who know why they are married and are committed to each other. Two adults who are fighting for the highest possible good of each other. These conversations need to be advanced by married people who are finding joy in being with their spouses and letting their spouses bring their best into the marriage. Not the other way round. And no act or law can legislate it enough. It’s a conversation that people who appreciate it are the ones who need to engage in it in order to move the needle.

If this resonates with you, go ahead to evaluate your understanding of the opposite gender. Find a small community of friends who you can do this together with. Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be a small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you.

Image Credits: Men Vs. Women 

 By Gabriel Achayo. 

Life is not a set of to-do-list

Image Credit: http://seroton.ponderresearch.co/dolist/

To many of us, probably due to the nature of our jobs, we thrive in to do list. We are happy when at the end of a “successful” day we can check off all the boxes and go home happy because we achieved something. Well, this is great, but the question I ask is to what end? A to-do list so what? Yeah, you are happy you checked off all the boxes right, so what?

I'm currently on a trip and I like these trips mostly because I get to meet friends who ask me hard questions. Questions that have nothing with my to-do list, but with who am becoming. One of them is a great friend I respect who has committed his life to working with student leaders in the US. He is a man I totally admire and respect. He’s is my mentor who as much as I don’t meet often and sometimes I never get to spend a lot of time with him as I would like to, I learn a lot from him.

On Tuesday 15th January 2019, I got a chance to meet him, after catching up, he asks me how is my marriage? This is a hard and easy question at the same time. But I have known him enough to know that just saying my marriage is “good” is not enough. So I start by saying my wife might have a different take on this question. I then go ahead and share with him a learning experience that I have been through. What my latest learning opportunities have been in order to make my wife happy and make our marriage what I hope it can be. I could have gone ahead and given him a list of things we have been doing, e.g. dinner dates, taking care of our boys, coming home early etcetera. As much as these are good and we probably need to be able to do them, but if it’s just a mental do to list where we are checking in boxes to say look how good a husband I am. I do this; I do that, I don't do this, I don't hurt my wife intentionally, I don't cheat on my wife etcetera, so what? Anyone can do that, and as Jesus said it, even the pagans do them.

Our conversation went further to reflect on how as Christians, we are always quick to answer a related question by a to-do list. How are you doing in your faith? We go ahead and list things; I pray, I attend a bible study, I don’t fornicate, I don’t steal and on and on. We can make a whole list. But the question is, so what? Anyone one can do that. This is a mental list. This list might have nothing to do with our hearts. Am not saying we don’t need to do them. They should be a manifestation of what is happening in our hearts. They should be as a result of what Jesus is doing in our lives. They should be the fruits of what we are becoming.

Following Jesus is not about a checklist of some nice things you are doing and those you are not doing. It’s a relationship. It’s about your heart, the core of who you are becoming rather than what you are doing. Now, this doesn't in any way mean you are perfect; it just means that our actions don’t make us righteous, but our broken and contrite spirit please Jesus, and that's righteousness. The good book says a righteous man falls seven times, but he rises up again. That makes Jesus come through and walk the journey with us. It moves the heart of Jesus because he knows we are seeking to relate with him is a deeper way. Not on a checklist.

How is your journey with Jesus like? Over and above the checklist that you may be avoiding to think of now, what has been your learning opportunity, your experience in growing in love with Jesus and those around you.

If this resonates with you, take time to evaluate how you live out your life. Look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with. Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It’s about building a community of friends to share each other’s life experiences.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be a small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you.

Image Credits: http://www.walkingwithgiants.net/church/small-groups/how-to-kill-a-small-group-discussion/

By Gabriel Achayo.

Title and Name

https://parallelcoaching.co.uk/fitness-business-names

I believe the best title to build is your name.

Titles are good. To some, they define who they are and give them meaning. To others, it’s a weapon to frustrate others. To some, it’s what gives them what they want. You’ve heard people ask, “Do you know who I am? Do you know who you are talking to?” The minute you have to remind people who you are in such a manner, there is a big problem. As we know, titles some of them may go away. The only constant everywhere you go is your name. A good name gives credibility to the title.

A good name is more desirable than great riches. If you have great riches and also a good name, you become credible. You become someone everyone admires. Your success is sustainable. The only sustainable legacy you can leave your children is a good name. A name they will be proud to associate with. A name they will want to pass on to the generations after them. To the people who love you for who you are, a good name means a lot for them. Working on gaining more titles is good and if you get a chance, please go for it, but a good name is eternally beneficial and I’d rather we spend a good amount of our time building a good name that will survive us.

Many people love to do things because they are craving for recognition. They are looking for people to know who they are. I meet a lot of people who struggle to market what they are doing but really looking into it, it’s all air. They work hard to blow their horns and they want to be called Director, Founder, CEO, Mheshimiwa etc. All these are good but if it’s just for a show, to prove a point to some people, then it’s empty and useless. I’d rather people know you for who you are, then discover in the course of your interaction that you bear the title instead of a title being forced down their throat. Remember if you enjoyed the sound of your title at the expense of your name, the day the title will go, you will have nothing to be proud of. Building pride in your name is what matters.

Someone who knows themselves well enough to know that they are not their title is a secure, confident and humble person. This is someone who even if they move from one place to another, will still be admired by those who know and love them for who they are. They will be consistent and this will inspire many who want to be like or better than them. I don’t know about you but I know a number of people who I often forget what their current title is but I cannot forget what their names mean. A mention of their names turns people heads. People wonder, how do you know that person and they wish they would know them or access them too. I want to be like such. I want to be someone who people know their name and love them for who they are not for the title they hold.

A lady who was a senior staff in the government of a country I will not mention was very busy. Let’s call her Jane, not her real name. She had a lot of people coming to her, a huge number of staff working for her. She was never alone as someone was always a few minutes or a sound a way to attend to whatever she needed to be done. She had so many invitations to choose which event to attend and which one not to. Jane was having a wonderful life that others envied. She was successful. Her personality was that of, let’s get things done, we have no time to waste. If you can’t make it happen, stop wasting our time. When her term came to an end, she walked out of the office alone. Little goodbye party and fake “we will miss you” comments. All of a sudden her busy phone was not ringing, she had no need for extra phones. Only one silent phone and no one to screen through her calls if anyone called. The invitations went to zero. No important emails, just spams. She got depressed and very lonely. It then hit her that all the experiences she had were due to her title, not her name, not who she really was. It was too late for her to correct this. Wishing for another experience to do it differently didn’t help much. Jane’s story could happen to any of us. But why wait till too late. You can start right now to focus on not being like Jane. It’s not easy because titles have a way of getting into our heads but I believe with consciousness and intentionality, it’s something possible and worth committing to. It’s all about focusing on people and having soft-skills. It’s about acting in the long term best interest of everyone around you. Let the title that is here today and is gone tomorrow not dominate your life.

From my experience with student leaders, I see a lot of them getting into confusion when their calls go unanswered by the people who used to look for them while they were in power. All they can say is am a former student leader in XY University and clearly, it means nothing to someone who has no idea what that is. I have committed myself through AYLF to provide a platform for these student leaders to build something that goes beyond their university life. Something they can build on and be leaders worth following in community and beyond.

If this resonates with you, seek to build your name. Look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with. Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It’s about building a community of friends to share each other’s journey of building a name that goes beyond them.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be a small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you…

 

Gabriel Achayo.