Character and Morals

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I believe our character, guided by our morals is a sum total of daily thoughts that lead into action.

We sow thoughts that in the long run yield a character in us. A consistent thought pattern leads into actions, then consistent actions into habits then to character. If you want to develop a particular character, you need to start being consistent in thought and do small actions about it. Slowly, you will end up with that character. I believe the converse is true.

Morals play a key role in our character formation. It’s like the foundation of our character. You may find someone who is not a thief but likes to gossip. His character might be great but his morals are questionable, this intern compromises his/her character. Hence a truly good admirable character is based on great morals passed down to us. These morals could be due to parenting, religious influence, nurturing etc.

We find ourselves in a society where things have become relative. There are no absolutes and our morals are questionable. It’s unfortunate that even in the family, we have no absolutes. We excuse way so many things and slowly we don’t have a clearly defined moral fabric in our society. We are no longer for Yes or No. Whenever you question a character flaw, you get responses like “it depends”. We no longer call a spade a spade. Many confuse this with the desire to try understand why someone did a particular thing or why someone has a given character.

We live in a very sophisticated era. We want instant gratification, we are materialistic, technology has brought everything close to us, information on anything is at our finger tips. You can have a very intelligent conversation on any topic without necessarily having to go to school for that topic. Our young people idolize what they see in the media and all around them. This in turn has fed into th

eir thought patterns. If you spend time seeing something too much, it registers in your subconscious mind and very soon you realize it becomes the center of your conversation and down the road, you are acting like it. So it’s very important we question what we are feeding our minds on. I love this quote, “Show me the heroes that the youth of your country look up to, and I will tell you the future of your country” by Idowu Koyenikan.

We might not change what you get exposed to. You may choose to walk blind so you don’t see all that is around you or block your ears so you don’t hear, but I wonder for how long. We may not stop the technology because it’s helpful on the other hand. We need it more to make it through all that we have to do. Unless we do something about our morals we are headed down the drain. We need a strong moral fiber more than ever. We need to teach our young ones a culture that overrides what they see or hear. We need to give them a clear operating system that will not be corrupted by whatever it might get exposed to. This is a daunting task and not many people have the patience for it. As parents, it upon us to question what culture we want our children to grow up in.

But how to you intentionally influence a culture of a society? This is not a one-day process or an instant process. You need time and you need to be committed to it. You need to have the right heart to do this. Your need to be willing to do more than just ticking a box to even attempt this. Culture/Morals are very key on how a society develops. You may have great plans to transform a society but unless you address the culture then you are likely to fail miserably.

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As a GiANT Worldwide Consultant, I’m a firm believer that to transform  a particular culture, you need to develop a vocabulary that people will identify with, you then need to make it visual, make it simple for everyone to really interact with it. You need to use it in an objective way. To inspire people to rise beyond their present culture and embrace something new or different. This will then transform the culture. You also need culture champions to push the kind of culture you want to build. If you have the right culture in place, your strategy will work because as they say, “culture eats strategy for breakfast”.

What culture are we building that will be able to safeguard the gains we have made? What are we exposing our young people to? Who are their role models? Who do they look up to? What kind of a generation do we want to leave behind? What are we doing in the family sphere to transform the culture we want our children to operate in.

If this resonates with you, seek to build a culture in your sphere of influence. Look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with… Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It’s about building a community of friends to share each other’s journey of transforming our cultures.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create a support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be a small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you…

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 By Gabriel Achayo.

Genuine Appreciation

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I believe in a genuine appreciation

A little show of appreciation for a good effort, good work done, goes a long way in encouraging the recipient. Many times it's easy to see the negative, the not so good and we forget to appreciate the good and positive part. Some of us focus a lot on the 10% that is not good and forget the 90% that is great. I appreciate every effort that someone makes be it towards me, or towards anyone if I notice it.

Appreciation is good when it’s genuine, honest, and not a flatter. We could do it by word of mouth, slipping notes, sending cards, texts, gifts, or spending time. It’s all about how creative you can get and what it means to you. Most of us yearn for appreciation and whenever we don’t receive it, we get disappointed. Some have come up with ways of dealing consciously with the fact that they may never get appreciated and they let it go. Some also feel uncomfortable if they get openly appreciated. But these are in the minority.

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Showing a genuine appreciation and living a lifestyle of always showing appreciation is a great gift to humanity. It's about being someone who cares for others. It's showing compassion to others. It's a good way to show someone that you care so much about them to notice what they are doing and appreciate them for it. This boosts the morale of the person being appreciated. They feel they are worth something; they feel they belong. It helps people believe in themselves. It’s important to know that what you believe in about yourself is what you communicate or showcase to others. This has a huge impact on how we interact, how we do what we do and why we do what we do.

 A lot of people lack people who believe in them. People who see beyond their current status, struggles, misfits and can hold their hands to affirm them. We are so consumed with what they can't do and because of that, we write them off. They don’t fit in. As such, we have people who have given up cos no one sees anything good in them. Someone asked, can anything good come out of Nazareth. Jesus in his 3 years of work, spent a lot of his time with people we would ordinarily consider unqualified. But those are the people Jesus chose to work with. He chose to build a movement with these misfits. He spent time with people who the society would consider unfit. But being who He is, He saw beyond what we are quick to spot. He saw the heart and commitment of these misfits and He appreciated that.

I strongly believe that there is no dustbin for human beings and I have written about this in the past. Everyone has something they are uniquely wired for. If you can’t see it, maybe you are not the right person for them. We all know that before you see something it’s not easy to spot it, but the minute you see and notice something, you spot it everywhere. That’s how our brains work. So instead of declaring people to be good for nothing, you’d rather have an open mind when interacting with them. Genuinely appreciate them for who they are. If you can’t appreciate, don’t call them out. Don’t make them feel they are not worth anything.

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I challenge you to learn the art of "Calling People Up" as opposed to "Calling People Out". Calling people up is genuinely appreciating people even when you feel they don't deserve it. Calling people out leads to disempowerment, stifled growth, conflict, and drama. Calling people up, in other words, appreciating people, leads to empowerment, fulfilled potential, collaboration and liberation. Have you ever been called out? Have you ever called people out?

As a follower of Jesus, how do you call people up? How do you let people realize their worth even if you feel they don't deserve it? How do you appreciate the 10% if you are surrounded by the 90% that’s not right? How do you make people feel great about themselves? How do you show people that you believe in them? This is for all, no matter who you are, be it at home, work, friends, etc.

People always vaguely remember what you say, they may not remember the tools/materials you used but they will remember how you made them feel. All of us remember very well how we felt the last time we were appreciated, but we also remember how we felt when we were never appreciated.

If this resonates with you, seek to Call People Up as opposed to Calling People Out. Look for a small community of friends who you can learn to do this together with… Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It’s about building a community of friends to share each other’s journey of appreciating others with.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create a support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be a small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you…

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By Gabriel Achayo

Marriage

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I believe marriage is the most sacred and blessed institution by God.

This is for the married or those who would like to walk that path in the future.

God loves marriage. He shows favor to the married who choose to consistently honor Him. Through marriage, we become better people if we work on it. In order to love your spouse, you need to work on loving God more than anything else. This is an advice I give to anybody willing to listen. It’s so common to find that in marriage, we love with conditions. I can’t do this because you didn’t do that. We attach standards; we keep comparing with what we think we missed. We sometimes imagine what if we married someone else maybe we would have a better marriage. This is a futile exercise. On Monday 7^th May, we celebrated our 7th anniversary. It's been a journey worth going through. My wife has been the best friend I have. We are passionate about what is important to both of us. We work through things sometimes not so very well in areas we don’t agree but we are committed to working on them. This has made us – I believe better people. 7 years later, I appreciate a lot of things, I value people more, relationships more, treasure my relationship with God more. Our children have brought a whole lot of joyful experiences in our lives. Am a better man than I was 7 years ago because I'm married and every moment I desire to humbly walk with my God in my marriage. We have three other couples we are committed to meet with every other week to talk about our marriages. This is something I look forward to. As they say, iron sharpens iron.

God created the universe and the first institution He put in place was the one between Adam and Eve.  He who finds a wife finds a good thing and OBTAINS favor from God. God is in the business of blessing and showing favor to those who choose to honor this institution of marriage. He checks in and things change. Getting married is one thing but staying married is a whole lot of a different thing. It's also much different to stay in a marriage that liberates you. A marriage that you are fully supported and challenged to be the best you can be. A marriage where love is cultivated, where both spouses act in the long-term best interest of each other. A marriage that helps you heal; casts out things that limit you and raises you to be who God made you; to live out your full potential.

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We all come into marriage with our baggage, tendencies, nature, how we have been nurtured etc. We bring them in with us. This, in most cases, brings conflict. We have our own ideas of how things work or what to expect from your spouse. Our behavior is always as a result of our nature, nurture and choice. Of these three, the most important that liberates in the marriage is the ability to choose. To make your own choice of how you respond to anything that comes your way. Your choice ought to be guided by the principles and values that you have learned over time and you have come to appreciate. No one can take your power to choose from you. God has endowed us with unique abilities. Stephen Covey in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People talks of these abilities; Self-Awareness, Creative Imagination, Conscience and independent will. These are gifts that should empower us to make choices that liberate us. That makes us influential in our marriages. It's pointless to be influential out there and not at home. The journey to being truly and sustainably influential, start with self, family (spouse & children), then out there. If you start from within, the ripple effect is clearly evident. Not the other way round. You can’t clean outside of the cup and leave the inside dirty. 

You cannot succeed in one department of life while cheating on another, life is an indivisible whole. By Mahatma Gandhi

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As a follower of Jesus, how does this affect your choices? How do you live a personal life that impacts your marriage positively? How do you feel about your marriage? Is there any choice you can make that will positively transform you and your marriage? For those who hope to join this path, what does this mean to you?

Marriage is a beautiful institution enjoyed by those who choose to honor it.

If this resonates with you, take time to evaluate your marriage. Look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with… Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It’s about building a community of friends to share each other’s journeys with.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create a support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be a small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you…

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Humility

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I believe in true humility.

Humility can be faked. I have been a victim of this either directly or indirectly. Pretense is so common since we want to get what we want. I can bow to you so long as you give me what I want. We have conditional humility. This can be confusing and a challenge in the relationship between the parties involved. True humility is exemplified by Jesus. He knew who He was, His purpose, His calling hence it didn’t matter what people thought of Him. He became man and dwelt in our midst.

False humility is a stumbling block to many of our life’s efforts. You can’t pretend to be humble all the time. It finally catches up with you and people get to know you for who you are.

On the other hand, some have thought that humility means that you have to be the last to get something. You become a doormat. You allow people to take advantage of you. You always think of yourself as having to wait for everyone else to have their way, and then yours will come later if there is any more opportunity. That is not humility. This could be low self-esteem issues or lack of self-confidence, which need to be addressed as soon as possible. It could be that you don’t have an understanding of who you are and whose you are.

A humble person is more interested in others than in themselves. He/she isn’t more about their ego. He/she is about the greater good rather than their own needs; recognizes that which is true, God is God, and I am not God and that’s who I am and if He gave me a skill, He gave me a skill. If He didn’t, He didn’t. Humility isn’t thinking less about you but it’s thinking about yourself less. Not a lack of self-confidence.

As a follower of Jesus, we are called upon to live a life worth our calling with humility and patience, bearing with one another in love. We are further encouraged to walk humbly with our God. This doesn’t mean that we have to see ourselves as people who don’t deserve the bigger and better opportunities that this life offers but that in pursuit of all these, we think of others more - the least of these. We think of the less fortunate, the disenfranchised, we truly serve those who God has brought our way. Service is not meant to specific people but whoever God brings your way, you ought to serve them in truth and with honesty. It could be your spouse, boss, subordinates, peers, colleagues, friends, community etc. You are called upon to serve with joy.

Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. Gandhi

It also means that we embody a heart of gratitude. This is the most magnetic quality of people. All of us tend to like people who show gratitude when we do something to them. It’s not just saying thank you, but it’s living a life of gratitude to God and to those around you. We are always quick to say thank you but our lifestyle doesn’t express gratitude. We will do something over and over again to anyone who embodies gratitude in their lives. But to someone who we know don't show gratitude, we quickly shift our attention to someone or something else.

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The other way of showing true humility is seeking a genuine apology. Saying "Am Sorry" is hard for most of us. We would rather correct the situation, which is good but never utter the word. Sometimes if we say it, we use many words or try to justify. I believe that if you mean to apologize, just apologize, don't use words that mean you are only apologizing in part. A broken and a contrite spirit the Lord doesn't despise. None of us is perfect; we are bound to make mistakes that hurt people. It’s important that we live a reconciled life with each other.

Offering forgiveness is also true humility. It’s acknowledging that I’m also human and hence I make mistakes. So if you make a mistake, I will forgive you. Most of us are good at giving people standards of apologies we want. Until you do this or that, I won't forgive you. We have been forgiven so we also ought to forgive each other. If you don't forgive you are the one who suffers most. You walk with a wounded heart. Holding grudges on all those who said or did something that upset or hurt you. As they say, it's like taking poison and hoping someone else dies. But this doesn't mean that we don't learn and take care of ourselves so we are not always getting hurt. God has given us the wisdom to live this life.

How do you think about yourself with reference to others around you? How do you serve the people around you? How do you engage with the opportunities you come across or the people you interact with? When was the last time you genuinely apologized for a something that you did or said that wasn't right or hurt someone else? Is it hard for you to forgive or do you give conditional forgiveness?

If this resonates with you, seek humility. Look for a small community of friends who you can do this together with… Being accountable to a few and practicing with a few. It’s about building a community of friends to share each other’s journey of walking humbly with God.  You have to be deeply committed to each other and desire to see each other grow in this journey. You have to create a support, encouragement and accountability platform for each other. The community has to be a small as possible so that there is active engagement by all involved.

Find a community around you and see if these conversations make sense to you…

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By Gabriel Odhiambo Achayo.